So...

Everytime I come here I always wonder what I have to say that would make me seem less immature than in my previous post. I suppose it's mostly the fact that I fancy people getting their impression of how I am from a blog that I hardly update and usually gets posted in when I'm reasonably less in control of emotions, which is.. not quite how I wanna be seen. (Why am I being so self conscious.. haha)

Hmm. I suppose I won't do an update of life from since the last time I posted, there's too much to say. Guess the greater events that have occurred in recent time is that I have spent about all summer in Singapore. Being, unfortunately, less productive than I would have liked. Thinking back, a year ago I was working in China, filled with a sudden sense of productivity. Wonder where all that went. No wait, it's still in me, just somewhere around, waiting. This doesn't ever bode well..

I've pondered on the meaning of blogs so much that it's also put me off from posting anything. The idea that it's your own area of expression sounds a little too liberal and idyllic. A space for you to space out, ok that just makes me sound lame and blur. Somewhere to muse intellectually sounds vaguely intellectual (wow reusing my words), but no I don't think that's for me. A place for me to record my life's events is a little pointless, since stuff I that I would want to remember I wouldn't post it on a blog. I don't even know why i went on about that..

Life is gonna get harder. Yea, guess I'll have to contend with that.

something

There's a number of incoherent thoughts floating through my head. Some aren't as irrational as they seem. I hope. Dad's reminded me, once again, I don't have enough time. But this time, there's just something in me telling me that, I can't let this go anymore. What he says does make sense, I probably will end up getting 35 max at the end of IB if I don't push up my efforts at lease threefold. Which... is not what I want. Or is it. Something really is confusing me here. I say that I want to get 40 and above, but do I really? I'm feeling more like, if I get it that'd be a bonus, if I don't, well, I expected it already. Which isn't really what can motivate me.

Reading stuff about how the simplest things in life are actually what we have and already have acquired would mean that I don't need to work harder anymore. But, that's really not what's meant for me. Why? I don't really know for sure, why it is I can't just ditch everything once I'm done schooling and just be what I want to be, not aspiring too greatly. But I think it's got something to do with what Jolenta told me. "You need to be able to do what you must to before you can do what you want." Too true. I think I really have to prove something, at least something, before anything else can happen.

Back to my grades. I'm staying awake now to blog, which I haven't really done in a while. I need to think this through clearly. At my current state, I am not going to get very much more than 35 for IB. This I acknowledge. My "aim" is a raw score of 40/42. 40 is not a score achievable by cramming in homework to the last minute to be done, and neither is it possible without daily revision and self study. This I acknowledge as well. Connecting the two, it means that I would have start revising and studying my work daily. And taking into consideration the amount of work that I should be doing, that would leave very little time left for my own leisure. Very little. Assuming that I do want to follow this path, that is. Now the question is, can I acknowledge that I have to stop enjoying my life as it is already, and learn to start enjoying studying instead. I know it, but I haven't realised it. Action comes after realisation, so I really do need to think this through. Very clearly. Then I need to decide on what it is that I need to force me to start working.

It's such a good thing that I recently have restarted my relationship with God. Well, good that it is actually back, not so much that it was gone. I think I'll need a lot more help to get the effort I want. I currently can't do that much on my own. I need God's help. Which, I pray he will help me with it. I pray that God will grant me the grace, His grace, to be able to satisfy myself with his glory, and not to be caught up with myself and my own distractions. I pray that God will help me to overcome my own weaknesses, and guide me to the path I must take.

I realised that there isn't very much life left for me to live as a kid. I'm turning 18. This is the end of childhood. I have to say goodbye to it. Nobody was going to tell me when it was that I had to say goodbye to being a kid. This is where I now say to myself. John, you're no longer a child. Grow up. Life starts here. Live it the way it should be, and not get distracted by anything unnecessary. The time starts now.

i am, home

And it's starting to feel better already.
Sometimes words can't express what you what to describe. Neither can actions. Maybe it's just presence.
Or perhaps I haven't found a coherent point of view yet.
I would like to talk about Singapore. But I guess that's not really what I'm all about now.
I still haven't decided whether to make this a long or short post.
I guess sometimes, we just need to go back to where we started off, and pick up what's left and rebuild life from there. Yeah, that sounds nice.
I feel good being back, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Tired, but feeling more and more at peace. I think this is one of those rare moments in my life where i say, "I love life".

clockwork fizz

I'm really tired right now. What was it I wanted to say. Ah yes, idle minds allow one's thoughts to stray into what one may already acknowledge to be a resolved subject and to relook it and wonder the possibilities of a different outcome. Moral of the story: always keep yourself busy.

On a side note, I will be returning to Singapore for Chinese New Year.

and so it is

2007 is almost over.
I look back on this year so far and I'm not proud of what I've achieved.
I see failure, I see lethargy, I see sadness.
Yet I remember the time that I spent in China, having a job attachment certainly opened my eyes to certain things.
I remember those times returning to Singapore, and enjoying the company of my friends in Singapore.
I remember one decision I made that made me the possibly the happiest I had ever been in my life at that moment, yet ironically would plague me for the rest of the year.
I remember... too much.
con te io li rivivrò
I seem to have overlooked many other events that occurred as well. Things my parents have done for me. The pain and anxiety I might have caused my parents. Part of me really wants to grow up, and really wants to stop wasting the life and opportunity that my parents have provided for me.
Meeting up with Edmond helped me remember SJI. Certainly, I have no regrets about going to SJI. Times spent there were fun, if nothing else. Edmond also helped me with a few other stuff, which I thank him for.
Browsing through a music store can sometimes be really therapeutic.
I guess it's still a little early to do a summary of 2007, but I guess it has to happen at some point in time, and I'm not sure if I'll ever blog again after this.
I'd like to thank all the church friends who I talk to from SMOTA. Being able to go out when I came back, talking to me online, and just being my friend. Thanks as well to those people from CIS who helped me with this life I lead in Hong Kong, foreign but somewhat warmed because of people like you. Thanks also to my 206 and scout friends from SJI. Need to meet up with all of you sometime. And the other people who I talk to online occasionally. Sorry that I haven't got a way of classifying you guys.
You all know who you are, I feel no need to state any names. Thank You.
Much appreciation for my family, all of whom I could never live without. Best friends I could ever get.
...and you. A part of my life I will never forget.

are you still there

I don't regret sending the email.
But I don't know what it is that I'm feeling
I said what I did
Yet something isn't letting me follow through with it

Christmas is almost here
Singapore seems so distant

emden

It's been a while since I came back here. Thanks to all for your tags about the previous entry. I guess we all are entitled to our own opinion on love. Won't say anymore about it.

Anyhow, I have recently been infected with a stomach virus. The worst is over, I'm mostly ok now.

I've been falling asleep on my computer more frequently recently. hmmm...

Recently discovered Red Hot Chili Peppers. Otherside and Snow (Hey Oh) are on my replay. Am currently on a music downloading spree.

O level's is over from what I understand, A level's should be done tomorrow, or at least for my sis. Great job guys (:

On a separate note, ever experienced a loss of identity?

Not much to say or muse about now, which I guess is a good thing.

Work work work...

Duty, obligation, decorum. I need to shape my life.